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You might have one or two nights of weird kinky sex, if that, but having to break things off with someone is even more uncomfortable when you share a fridge and you choked them to near-unconsciousness a few nightsand they end up spending the remainder of the year paying rent for their room while living in a different house 12 miles away.
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With every offence he's committed tossed into the conversation, the more reason — she thinks, you think — that sex should happen to upset. You slur something along the lines Miami blowjob girls "deserving better" and supply approximately six minutes of unmemorable intercourse in which nobody climaxes.
She cries afterwards and two weeks later an enormous man called Gareth arrives at your door and breaks your Xbox over his knee.
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When you experience any emotion that isn't happiness, he will be there, appearing as if by magic like a horny Mr Benn. He has been waiting for someone you like to upset you so he can swoop in with his criticisms of other men and pre-rehearsed sonnets, and then bed you while humming a Radiohead song with his eyes closed. Inevitably, this will lead to you getting off with a local in whatever weird local Adult ladies looking singles chat line they frequent — "Peep", "Salt", "Academy"; something like that — and then dragging them back to your halls for sex, revelling in what an exotic fruit Find Hufsmith must be to them, what a far-flung treat.
Only: they seem to know the code to your halls door before you. Yeah, I've never seen B — Southington lonely women A, seen C, all the same, though, aren't they?
Are you being played for a quick fix of sexual satisfaction, not the other way around? After they nip outside for a post-coital fag — "I know how to get back in, don't worry"!
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And— fuck, dude! You just slept with a year-old! You can always tell when someone has had sex with a nurse because they have this wide-eyed agog look and they suddenly really want to save the NHS.
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I can give you my notes if you like!
You attend their wedding four years later, where you are in charge of the guest book.